Rip City Revival!!!

Just as the 2006-7 Portland Trailblazers are mathematically eliminated from yet another playoff bid, the 2003-4 PS2 Blazers have just earned a trip to the 2004 NBA Finals.

'It's kind of weird hearing that our real squad didn't make the playoffs,' said 2004 PS2 MVP, Rookie of the Year and Defensive Player of the Year LaMarcus Aldridge, 'but I am just glad I am on the good version of the Blazers.'

The PS2 Blazers defeated the rival PS2 Lakers four games to one in the Western Conference Finals.

'I was intimidated at first,' said Brandon Roy, 'but Kobe hogs it more than in real life. We made fast work of those clowns.'

Mercurial Blazer forward Rasheed Wallace quipped dismissing the Lakers in five games, 'It was a good game. We played hard. The Lakers played on rookie mode.'

Team captain Jarrett Jack, while only averaging 3.2 points per game in the WCF, had plenty to say about the now-vanquished Lakers:

'They weren't hard. Shaq stinks. Kobe stinks. Rick Fox definitely stinks. Rick Fox must be slathering up with some of that stank eastern-European musk Vlade used to use. Seriously, what was that? One part cabbage, two parts roadkill? He knocked into me on a few of those high screens, I'm gonna need to shower twice after coming in contact with that. I'm just gonna let him score next time, it's not worth subjecting my nostrils to those Fox fumes again. I wish we would have won in four, I hope the damage to my nasal passage isn't permanent.'

The Blazers will play the Indiana Pacers for the 2004 PS2 NBA Championship.

2003 Air Force Ones Announce Retirement

Oyl Miller's 2003 white-on-white mid Nike Air Force Ones will no longer be worn, a spokesman for Miller announced today.

The shoes had a glorious run that dated back to the days of Rasheed Wallace routinely taking the Portland Trailblazers to the NBA Playoffs. The shoes were actually marred from their classic white-on-white perfection in the name of Blazer super-fandom, when Miller decided to decorate the swoosh in crimson sharpie to show his team pride. The shoes were worn to Game 6 of the first round series against the Dallas Mavericks in 2003. A game in which the Blazers routed their opponents, and thereby forced a decisive seventh game in Dallas, after initially being down 0-3.

That game in May of 2003 was the last playoff game played in Portland.

'The Blazers are on the comeback trail,' Miller said in a video conference earlier today. 'I refused to move on from the 'Sheed era until I really had something to bank on. By officially retiring these shoes, I am acknowledging that a new era of Rip City has arrived. The next shoes I take a sharpie to, will be in the name of Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge.'

Miller then coughed in an awkward manner that sounded a lot like 'Oden.'

'I remember when I first got them,' Miller said nostalgically, 'I was listening to Nelly a lot at the time, and was trying to heed his warning about scuffing your Force Ones prematurely. The guy is a sneaker pro. Ain't nothing compares to a fresh crispy white pair.'

Miller eventually loosened his standards for when it was appropriate to wear his Force Ones. Initially they were worn exclusively on Sunday afternoons from 1pm to 3pm. The first scuff came when an impromptu pick-up game arose. He was more mindful of keeping his feet and shoes out of harm's way than in playing defense.

'Eventually I realized, I was letting down Rasheed Wallace himself by treating his signature sneaker as a dress shoe exclusively,' Miller said.

'They were good shoes. I played hard in them.'

A replacement shoe has yet to be named. Although Miller indicated he was ready to start entertaining sponsorship offers from Nike.