This Issue was Mediocre
guest writer alonzno

If we could bring the Co-Pilot Magazine to a halt, I am convinced that famine would cease, the Ozone would heal and all of the wrongs of history would be righted.

Seriously folks, who puts this thing out?

Let's start with the cover:

In yet another vain attempt at being clever, the designers merged a bland photograph with subdued block text bearing a self-disclosing sentiment 'this issue is average.' This attempted understatement achieves hyperbolic irony when the magazine's true value is discovered.   Unlike last week, in which the striking cover portended great things within, this cover packs all the emotional wallop of an Earth Sciences textbook peeking out of a backpack.

Now we flip through the 'content':

COVER STORY - They end up allowing a hack journalist like myself to pen the cover article.   Don't they see the holes in my résumé, and realize that my impetus for writing anything is fueled by the gallons of angst resulting from my inability to sell a screenplay.

SONG--Give it up on the songs guys.   Leave that to the pros.   This feature sends mixed messages about the purpose of your site.   Are you an elaborate prank with the self-serving foresight to launch an alt-rock career?   As for the song, the guitaring is hackier than my contrived anecdotal metaphors.   The lyrics have zero emotional resonance and are sung with all the verve of a classroom daydreaming session.   Are you trying to taunt people that don't have fishing poles?   For the record I do have one.

POETRY--Michael Jordan meshes with accounting just about as well as Darth Vader meshes with Martha Stewart.   Ah yes, I can see it now...

Darth: If only the hallways of the Death Star were lined with rows of day lilies. Now that would really bring out the yellow in the storm troopers' ensembles.   Oh, and maybe we could have some decorative baskets of seasonal potpourri inside the death chambers!

Oh fantastic, I'm sure I just unintentionally spawned a piece for the next issue.

EDITOR'S DESK--There is no way that James Earl Jones responded repeatedly to the Co-Pilot's emails.   Here is a tip to the editors: If you are trying to launch a news media empire, don't have a feature in just your second issue that not only namedrops, but also LIES!   Besides, vadervoice@gmail.com is my address.

All right, time to review the fifth item of the second issue...

Oh wait, there isn't one!   It seems the well of inspiration has already run dry for the sorry Co-Pilot contributors.   The deadline for publication is 18 minutes away, and there is nary a whispering of what that fifth item might be.   The only way this review could stoop to an even lower level is if that fifth item were to be culled from the vast warehouse of previously published Co-Pilot material.