Ahead of the Curve: Velcro Shoes
by Andrew Miller

DENALI, AZ— The secret clasping way of astronauts and high school math teachers throughout the galaxy is six months away from widespread exploitation.

Velcro Shoes.

Few believed me when in 1995 I foresaw a day when actors and denizens of pop culture would willingly doff foam and mesh backed 'farmers hats.'

Well, here I stand in 2005 staring at the dust laden row of velcro shoes currently residing on the "employee only" top shelf of cultural awareness. If mesh backed hats survived the gravel-roaded trek from Smallville to Metropolis, it's only a matter of time before velcro shoes walk out of Differential Equations and park themselves under the cool table in the cafeteria.

Taking a willing step or two below ones verbal acuity has long been posh as a way to culturally distinguish one social subset from the next. So why not under step proficiency in other skill sets? And what marks the ascension into upper childhood more distinctly than the ability to tie knots?

With the accruement of bunny ear wrapping execution comes the promise of a wealth of talents and life discoveries ahead.

To revert to pre-knot tying footwear (which now come readily available in adult sizes) is to take a fashion pledge to convey a curiosity and zest for life.

To those followers of Eastern thought, velcro serves to clear the mind of materialistic clutter and sets the table for an eternal existence in a harmonious footwear nirvana.

For those Communist readers of the site, velcros are the most utilitarian of footwear. Instead of two lone superpowers wrestling and intertwining, you have hundreds and hundreds of equal parts coming together in an embrace to bring balance to the whole system. Not to mention the typically low price, meaning more of your comrades can afford them.

While these initial lines of reasoning are noble, as many nods of counter culture are, the impending emergence into pop consciousness always portends a sudden loss of founding ideology.

The mesh and foam hat was introduced in the farming industry in the late 1960's to provide the shade and practicality of a hat while offering breathability amidst the humid climate and long hours on the farms in the midwest.

Now these hats flood the streets of LA and have conclusively squandered the crop of healthy principles from which they were sown.

The days of velcro shoes serving as a symbol of dorkiness, zeal and for expediting the small details of life, are numbered.

The editors of this publication will proudly wear velcro shoes for the next six months, well aware of their extinction date as worthy fringe items. Then we will respectfully retire them to the shelf in the closet next to that decade high stack of foam hats as we scurry to find the next fashion piece with low odds of cresting on MTV.